I'm nearly two weeks intomy trip, and I've had the pleasure of sitting next to some interesting people. One was an engineer working on San Francisco's new Bay Bridge. Another was a PR director for the United Football League. I've also been next to some more, uh, eccentric individuals who are interesting in a different way. They range from neurotic to inappropriate to downright bizarre.
Take the couple next to me right now. They are a good example of the inappropriate variety. When I came on board, they were busy arguing over a pair of dollar-store headphones that snapped in half while packing. The safety procedures distracted them for a while, but now they've moved on to flirting. They're not making much of a secret of it, either. The husband will reach over and tickle his wife, the wife'll slap his hand away. "You like that baby?" he asks slyly. "Just wait." I'd rather not.
I doubt few will compare to Shauna, who I met on yesterday's Newark to Orlando flight. I had just moved to an aisle seat in her otherwise empty row so I could stretch out. As the flight attendants finished the safety briefing, Shauna (We've changed her name) leaned in and asked if I was allergic to dogs. I replied that I wasn't, and she pulled a chihuahua from what I thought was a handbag. Its faux-diamond necklace, spelling out KIKI, told me that I had just made one of the worst seating decisions of my life.
As we taxied away from the gate, the captain announced that the televisions wouldn't be working because of a cooling fan failure. Shauna groaned loudly. "That's the only reason I fly JetBlue!" she complained to me, stabbing at the channel buttons. "This is ridiculous. I'm calling them!"
She turned her Blackberry on and dialed Customer Service as we began our takeoff roll, but was cut off when we flew out of cellular coverage. Defeated, Shauna slumped back in her seat.
"I HAVE TO PEE!" She would announce things to the cabin as a whole before leaning back toward me to talk. "Television was the only thing I had to keep myself busy. I didn't bring a magazine or anything. You're going to have to entertain me this whole flight, buddy."
While meeting exotic people tends to make blogging more interesting, entertaining her was a role I had little interest in playing. Shauna was clearly more than I could handle, the very definition of a high-maintenance person. Besides, I was planning on using the time to sort through some of the pictures I've taken. I dug through my bag and offered her a copy of SkyMall I'd been holding onto for a future post.
SkyMall, if you're unfamiliar with it, is a catalog I've always believed exists for shock value. I've never seen such a bizarre collection of items in one place. One can only assume that the retailers are preying upon those who've succumbed to the effects of altitude, as clear-minded individuals do not make a habit of buying Bigfoot garden sculptures and enormous swords.
Shauna tore through it in seconds flat and returned her attention to me."Do you have any pictures of your family?" I didn't, having had my phone and wallet stolen Friday in New York. "I do! I'll show them to you because the TELEVISION ISN'T WORKING!" The last part was again directed towards the cabin. She flipped through pictures on her phone of a sleepy-looking man she identified as her husband, along with several friends I've never met and don't expect to.
"I was a waitress at Hooter's for five years. Here we are visiting," she explained. "Oh, and this was when we went to Friday's before leaving today. Here's one from earlier this year with Kiki."
Last year my father-in-law once arranged a slideshow of vacation pictures for us, and I fell asleep quickly in the darkened room. Shauna would afford me no such luxury, poking me to elicit a response to each picture. "Mmm hmm. Right. Yes, that does look like a good cosmopolitan."
She excused herself to complain to the flight attendants about the television outage, and I looked forward to sharing a brief moment of peace with her quivering dog. It passed quickly. Shauna was soon back in her seat, informing the surrounding passengers that THE TELEVISION WAS STILL OUT, and asking if I knew how to make her phone play games?
Again, the distraction was short-lived, and I finally gave in to her constant prodding and started making up stories. I had heard about people creating elaborate backgrounds for themselves while traveling, but never tried it myself. It turned out to be a brilliant way to both pass the time and defuse Shauna's advances. "Yes, I do have pets," I replied. "Two of them, actually. There's the dachshund, who's sweet, but we have to keep her away from the alligator in the back yard."
"What? An alligator?"
I explained that we had purchased it at an exotic pet store as a baby not more than six inches long. We expected it to stay within its terrarium, but before long we had a seven-foot beast on our hands and we couldn't bear to part with it. I've never considered myself a great liar, but Shauna bought every one of my lines. Before the conversation turned back to her, I had also been a part of a barbershop quartet, gone bowling with John Travolta and built an adobe statue of Zeus for a tribal reservation in New Mexico.
"It's part of a native ceremony," I explained.
We shifted to her plans in Orlando. "My parents are here, but I'll be looking to get out of the house to hit the clubs, do some drinking, meet some guys! Know what I mean?" I didn't, really.
"Have you ever been to Fire Stone? The Blue Room? Southern Nights?" She rattled off the names of local clubs that she assumed I'd be familiar with, even though she already knew of my childhood in the Falkland Islands. "I hope I can keep my boobs in this time. God, it's a good thing that Girls Gone Wild wasn't around a few years ago. I'd have been all over those videos."
By that point we had begun the flight's final descent into Orlando, bringing a close to two of the strangest hours of my life. We were soon at the gate, and as Shauna zipped Kiki back into her bag, we said our goodbyes.
"Maybe I'll get to see you on the way back," she said. "But the TV better work the next time. There'll be hell to pay if it doesn't."
I couldn't have said it better myself.
Follow Terminal Man’s travels on Twitter @Flyered and check out his itinerary on Google Maps. You can also track his flights Tuesday to Orlando, Richmond, Virginia, New York - JFK and Portland, Maine through FlightAware. And check out his previous posts here.
Photos: Brendan Ross / Wired.com
The view from Seat 17C.
